Well, here we are again. Yet another month of painful feedings for my little sweet nursling. I've been going through this ugly cycle of wondering "Why me?" and "Ugh, when will this EVER end?" moments. But I have come to the realization that God will not give me more than I can handle, so we keep plugging along. Sweet, sweet baby girl. I must be crazy.
I don't know about you, but I don't have an awesome track record of sticking things out when they get painfully hard. Once I hear the "Oh well, you've given it your best effort. No one would blame you if you stopped/quit/gave up..." what have you, I'm outta there. "Great, that's all I was waiting to hear! Now I can stop." Do you feel like you are the same way? Anyways...
I feel like I'm going through a season in life where I am being challenged daily by God and being put through a series of tests... I honestly believe this nursing pain has been one of them. I am not angry, but I have gone through dark days, without a doubt. He has shown me SO much about myself and I am growing thankful for this rather than resentful. If someone had told me that I would still be in this pain after 6 months, there is NO way I would have stuck with it. I am so thankful that God doesn't expose things like that, because that information is not always for our benefit. Sometimes he says, "Not now, but maybe later. Just wait. I'm here for you." and so I am waiting. I am being patient. I am fighting the good fight.
And I know most of you reading this are going to say, "Do you honestly think God cares if you breastfeed? Do you really think it matters that much? Ugh you are such a drama queen. This is just ridiculous. Put that baby on formula already.... blah blah blah" Let me tell you why is matters. Because it absolutely does.
God created a woman's body to do very specific jobs. Pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding... those are all things that he specifically designed the female body for that men cannot do. Our body's are supposed to be temples, so we need to have the respect for them that they deserve, despite body image issues. I don't understand it when people (especially Christians) say that God doesn't care, and its the parents choice, "as long as the baby gets fed, it doesn't matter." I'm sorry, but really? There are SO many examples I could pull up that would make that sound so ridiculous. That's what breasts were made to do. Yes, they are also sexy and a playground for husbands, but that's not the anatomical purpose of them. Come on people.
I'm so passionate about this so I feel like sometimes I can't stick to my main point and stay on track. Here we go again. My main point of this post was to express my ultimate gratitude to the Lord, for being there for me in this time of pain and... curiosity. Is my lack of perseverance through past trials why He has laid this in the road for me? Maybe. Maybe not. Let me tell you, though, there isn't a lot of things I feel like I can't accomplish after this experience. Pushing through day after day, week after week, and month after month of painful (and I do mean PAINFUL) feedings around the clock WILLINGLY, and to still find joy in it? Breastfeeding, in all its pain, has been hands-down one of the most amazing and joyful experiences in my life. That special and intimate bonding with my daughter is something I cherish so tightly.
Another word of thanks, because, well... He is just a great, loving, affectionate Father. My little babe has a severe posterior tongue tie. We have gone to the Dr to get this fixed multiple times, and been referred to a Dr in New York, whom I spoke with through e-mail and he sent into to my DDS in our little town so he could do the procedure here... After doing his research and our last consult, he told me that if we hadn't caught this NOW, she would have had severe jaw development problems, speech problems, possible tooth decay, and a slew of other icky issues.... and we would have never known unless I had stuck with it.
Don't you see? Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel, doesn't seem like much of a light at all. Sometimes the "light" seems more like a painful smack in the face... "Thanks for sticking with it, here's another load of problems you can deal with. All the best." but we can't look at it that way! I am learning that if I don't find the absolute best in every situation, even if the bad far outweighs the good, I am done-for. I would have never known about these issues if I had quit. Then been forced to watch my sweet girl go through all of this later! There is nothing that He can't get me through no matter how dark the situation may be.
This might be a bit deep for a breastfeeding guru, but life lessons aren't always taught out of a book. Sometimes they are taught through sweet babies, their little mouths, and the promise of a new day.
Praying for all my mama's out there who are sticking it out, just as I am. We are in this together!
All my love.
"Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5